Winners of the Ayn Rand “Objectivism” award include people who:
Public transportation edition
- Strut into the semi-enclosed bus shelter to light and consume their nauseating cowboy killers.
- Slyly cut ahead of everyone in line to board by edging in from the side.
- Rush to the front of the line only to spend minutes rummaging in their pockets for the fare. Points if they pay in pennies.
- Stand in front of the fare reader, blocking it and the passage to the rest of the bus; after all, once they’re on the bus, that’s all that matters. An extra prize if they seem annoyed at being bumped by those trying to get past.
- Continue to sit reading their newspaper or book while the elderly, disabled, and pregnant stand.
- Rummage through their purses or pockets, jabbing their seat mate generously with their flailing elbows.
- Spread their packages or legs out over an adjacent seat and don’t move them even as the bus becomes standing room only. Extra credit for taking up two or even more adjacent seats.
- Manage to sit half on their neighbor and then act surprised. They may forfeit the award, however, if they apologize.
- Stand in the doorway of the bus asking the driver directions as though he or she is the Shell Answer Man, while green lights come and green lights go.
- Sprawl their legs into the aisle so others have to step over them; bonus if they act annoyed when they’re kicked or tripped over.
- Spread their short legs so as to take up a seat and a half.
- Open the windows on below-freezing days.
- Discuss personal business as loudly as possible on their mobiles.
- Eat, drink, and be merry on the bus, and leave the remnants behind to encourage the rats and cockroaches.
- Use the horn freely at red lights.
- Believe that signs like “No Turn on Red” are for others.
- Make left-hand turns into pedestrians who have the right of way, expecting said pedestrians to scatter.
- Go through the changing yellow light to ensure the intersection is blocked.
- Tune out the deafening wail of sirens and booms of fire truck horns 10 feet away.
- Park over the line to avoid scratches.
- Talk on their mobiles as though they were sitting comfortably at a desk, not about to run over three pedestrians in the crosswalk.
- Shoot out of parking garages at top speed undeterred by either pedestrians on the sidewalk or traffic.
Grocery shopping edition
- Bring the entire family of five during the busiest time and then let the children loose.
- Stand in the 10 items or less line with a full cart and pretend not to have noticed the prominent signs.
- Park the grocery cart on one side of the aisle and themselves on the other and act put out or surprised when anyone wants to get past them.
- Park the grocery cart in the precise middle of the aisle, with same reaction as above.
- Stand in front of a section whole minutes at a time to contemplate every product, size, and price, oblivious to the half dozen people that they’re blocking who know what they want but who can’t get to it.
- Plop refrigerated and frozen perishables they’ve decided they no longer want onto the magazine rack while loudly complaining about increasing prices.
- Stand in line at the cash register, then send their spouse and kids to do the actual shopping.
- Argue with the cashier over the price of every item, no matter how long the line is behind them.
Public places edition
- Plow through everyone who’s trying to get off the elevator, train, bus, etc., in their hurry to get on.
- Wait until they are at the metal detector to fish around in their five pockets, slowly removing items one at a time and holding up everyone who’s behind them. Additional points for those who go through this ritual every day at their workplace security’s checkpoint as though they’ve never had to empty their pockets before and as though they’ve never held everyone else up before.
- Walk three abreast on the sidewalk as though there’s no one else on it.
- Are the first to sit at the movies and take the row’s outside seats, ensuring a dozen people will have to crawl and trip over them.
- Cough relentlessly during musical or theatrical performances; after all, it’s not like we want to be suckered into the magic of escapism at such times.
- “Forget” to turn their mobiles off in restaurants and at performances. Everyone’s a doctor on call.
- Go through the single partition of a revolving door two at a time.
- Let doors smack back into someone else’s face.
- Talk with their mouths full; after all, they have so many important things to say.
- Use their mobile phones in the public restroom. Best scenario: While flushing.
- Reach across people in the restroom for soap or towels rather than walking around. After all, the rest of the world is just in the way.
- E-mail coworkers five minutes after e-mailing their initial request, demanding to know why it hasn’t been answered.
- Delete e-mails from coworkers and subordinates unread, then wonder why they never got the information they requested.
- Blame the misdialed person when they get a wrong number.
- Call IT every time they do something stupid, like turn off their menubars.
- Call an IT person directly rather than using the help desk, because IT has nothing better to do than perform personal favors