It’s happened before that I’ve served aboard the USS Enterprise, although it’s not always the same iteration. This time I was in front of something dangerous that seemed to require me to get a phaser and fire at it — but I could not make a decision. I didn’t know where I was, what I was dealing with, what the rules were, or even who I was.

When finally I decided to get the phaser and fire it (hoping not to be caught if I were doing the wrong thing), I wasn’t sure it was at the correct setting or that was aiming at the right spot to eliminate the danger. I pushed buttons randomly, not knowing what they did. I was petrified of killing. But I felt an overpowering urge to take control and do something.

I lived through two variations of this scenario. In both, I had to make a decision. In both, I dreaded being caught.

It’s interesting how I translated my anxiety about the meeting today into the opportunity to be a confused and anxious Star Trek adventurer.

I woke up thinking there should have been a difference between “defense” and “security.”